Captain's Log: April 1999

Stardate: April 1999

'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't baptize it till it's completed an Alpha course, signed a statement of faith, and agreed to tithe its income to the Church.'

Rev Gerald Ambulance
From the forthcoming 'Collected Wisdom of Rev Gerald Ambulance',
Ministryoscope Ministries.

Rapture Index soars to 77.7%

26th APRIL – Todd Strandberg's Rapture Index, which monitors 'end-time activity' around the world (and which is one of our best-loved websites in the Fruitcake Zone) is currently on a state of high alert, with its all-time highest rating of 175 points out of a possible 225, indicating a 77.7% possibility of rapture this week.

This beats even the record high of 164 during the Gulf War in October 1990, which surely had even the most sceptical saints checking the white robes hanging in their wardrobes.

The Rapture Index monitors 45 world trends which 'point towards the return of Christ', each trend awarded a maximum of five points according to their danger level.

When the Index overall dips below 85 points, the world is bumping along in an era of 'slow prophetic activity'. But right now, we are dangerously deep inside the Index's 'Alert Zone', for times of extreme crisis that score 145 points and above.

The reason is not difficult to see. The war in Serbia has angered Gog (sorry... Russia). Europe's new currency, the Euro, is apparently shaping up nicely to serve the Antichrist. And as a final confirmation that the end is near, Todd tells us that 'former nurse Nancy Fowler has claimed to have received messages from the Virgin Mary'. It's a good job that all's quiet on the Jerusalem Temple Mount, otherwise we'd have to be holding onto the furniture.

Christian fabrications

25th APRIL – Steve Tomkins writes: I've just come across a church electrical goods company in Middlesex near London who have been so inspired as to call themselves 'Christian Fabrications Ltd.' Does anyone know if, as well as providing tie microphones, they are also responsible for seven-day creationism and 'revival is just around the corner'?

Going for gold?

22nd APRIL – The burning question of the moment among UK church-watchers has to be: will HTB welcome the gold filling blessing from Toronto?

Holy Trinity Brompton (HTB) is famous as the London church which owns the Alpha Course and as one of the first places in Britain where the Toronto Blessing landed in 1994. The church is very conscious of its image and supernatural gold fillings might be just a little too tacky for the leadership to take.

Our spies tell us that a women's group which meets in the morning is gung-ho for gold, while an evening home group has decided it is the very work of the Devil. We await a pronouncement from the top.

April lookalike

16th APRIL – Midi (Miditrax@aol.com) writes: Is it just me, or does anyone else think that the picture of Tony Campolo on SOF Central resembles the late American comic Phil Silvers?

Romans? Hormones!

16th APRIL – Shipmate Alexandra Coe from New York has sent us a song she performs on the hot topic of the ordination of gay people, sung to the tune of Gershwin's 'Let's Call the Whole Thing Off'. For maximum listening pleasure (and in the absence of a sound file), sing it out loud...

You say restrain 'em and I say ordain 'em
I say affirm 'em and you say de-worm 'em
restrain 'em! ordain 'em! affirm 'em! de-worm 'em!
Let's call the whole thing off!
You're quotin' Romans and I say it's hormones
You 're screamin' "Sodom!" and I say, no problem
Romans! Hormones! Sodom! No problem!
Let's call the whole thing off!
But, oh, if we call the whole thing off then we must part
And, oh, if we ever part, Christ's body's torn apart!
So don't sit there squirmin', come on, be affirmin'
Accept 'em, embrace 'em (you don't have to chase 'em!)
Intolerance divides us, but Christ's love unites us
Don't call the whole thing off!

Toronto claims 'gold rush' miracle

16th APRIL – Things are happening again at the Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship – home of the Toronto Blessing, which brought laughter, stamping, kicking and a bewildering assortment of animal noises to pews worldwide in 1995.

It seems that God is filling his people once again, but this time it's molars and incisors which are getting the treatment, rather than hearts and lives. People have been leaving the prayer meetings in Toronto with shiny new gold fillings in their teeth; the work, they claim, of the Divine Dentist. And they're quoting, with a straight face, Psalm 81:10 in support of the miracle: 'Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.'

For the full Ship of Fools report on this story, go here.

Young people open up

14th APRIL – We're full of gratitude to the Salvation Army for treating us to what is probably the greatest Christian printing blunder of the 1990s. It's a photograph printed in their youth magazine, 'Values', which ceased publication in 1997. The photo, seen above, accompanied an article on singleness, with awkwardly posed young people gazing into each other's eyes. To see the rather unfortunate blunder, simply click the photo.

Enviable church names

13th APRIL – For your amusement, here are some of the strange church names that didn't quite make it to the finals of the recent Ship of Fools Awards. Sadly, no one discovered a 'St Thomas & St Jerome' (popular name: Tom and Jerry's), and funnily enough, almost all of the names submitted were from the United States...

Crooked Pine Cowboy Church (Houston, Texas)
Miracle Lighthouse Church (Harrison, Arkansas)
Faggs Manor Presbyterian Church (Cochranville, Pennsylvania)
Flipper Temple AME Church (Atlanta, Georgia)
The Happy Church (Bartlett, Tennessee)
Clothing of Power Eternal Church (Capitol Heights, Maryland)
Jesus Purchase with His Own Blood Church of God (Arlington, Virginia)
Church of Redestination (Dallas, Texas)
Church of the Maternity of the Virgin Mary (St Paul, Minnesota)
Oasis of Miracles (Stone Mountain, Georgia)
Kingom Faith Church – more commonly refered to as KFC (Horsham, West Sussex)
Highway to Heaven Bible Way Church (Bladensburg, Maryland)

No.1 in God's Top 10

13th APRIL – My favourite book title of the moment is "Gospel Riffs God Would Love to Hear". Written by Andrew Gordon, it's the follow-on to his previous best seller, '60 Funkiest Keyboard Riffs Known to Mankind'. With this latest title, you too can thrill God by playing in the style of Ray Charles, Dr John, Billy Preston, Leon Russell, Andre Crouch and other members of the heavenly host.

'All the way' with Bathsheba

12th APRIL – Direction magazine, the official organ of the Elim Pentecostal Church in the UK, often provides unintentional hilarity with its adverts, and the latest issue is no exception. Emlyn Williams sent us this splendid ad for Bathsheba Smith's new aerobics video, which is unashamedly titled 'All the Way Gospel Aerobics'. Says the sales blurb: 'We want our readers to keep fit physically and spiritually...' No doubt King David was thinking pretty much the same thing as he strolled out onto his palace rooftop.

Gold, frankincense and... er...

12th APRIL – News reaches us of a Canadian TV ad which was pulled off air after a flood of viewers' complaints. The commercial, run by the Telus phone company in Red Deer, Alberta, featured two of the Wise Men offering frankincense and myrrh to a figure off camera, presumably baby Jesus. The third Wise Man then stepped forward, but instead of handing over the traditional gold, offered the infant a cellphone, complete with the phone company's prepaid plan. It must have seemed like a good idea at the lunchtime concept meeting...

Cartoon by Dave Walker.

Book typo of the week

12th APRIL – In 'Promises to Keep,' a collection of inspirational readings for Christian men, one of the contributors is a pastor named Dick Brian Klaver – but in the index, where he should be listed as 'Klaver, Dick Brian,' the vowels in 'Brian' have been switched.

'Thou anointest my head with Brylcream'

12th APRIL – Bibles come in all shapes and sizes, but Raphael Carter has come up with a new concept in Bible translation: the Product Placement Bible. Corporate advertisers can have their product inserted into verses of the good book in return for sponsorship of this new translation. Sample verses include:

'Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth; for thy love is better than Miller Genuine Draft' (Song of Solomon 1:2-3).

'But Jesus said unto him, Follow me, and let Werness Brothers Funeral Homes bury the dead' (Matthew 8:22).

'And McDonald's said: This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you... I do set my arches in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth' (Genesis 9:12-15).

The cost? Only $5000 per New Testament verse and $6500 per Old Testament verse ('the Old Testament has a wider audience, since it reaches Jewish as well as Christian consumers'). Apocryphal prices are also available.

Sources – Mobile phone ad: Don Morris of Canada; Book typo: Roy Rivenburg, 'Off Kilter', Los Angeles Times, 2nd April.

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