Captain's Log: September 2000

Stardate: September 2000

Jesus doll fails to light up the toy market

29 SEPTEMBER – A DOLL "formed in the likeness of the Lord Jesus with a movable head and extremities" has been found in the online archive of the US Patents Office. Possibly one of the greatest Gadgets for God never to be made, the doll's inventor has abandoned the patent, clearing the way for a religious entrepreneur to take the doll into mass production.

The Jesus doll ( Patent No. US5456625) comes complete with an accessory that is not normally found in a child's toy box. According to the patent description: "The doll is provided with electrically conductive nails which when inserted through apertures in the hands of the doll, mount the doll to a provided cross and close an electrical circuit which illuminates the cross."

Linda Dumond of Honolulu, who devised the doll on the cross, states that her invention can be used for "inspiring, educating and entertaining children." She was granted the patent in 1995, but it expired in December 1999 when she failed to pay the ongoing maintenance fees.

Story source: Mike Kaply.

Theologian's magical powers unmasked

24 SEPTEMBER – A CORRESPONDENT who will identify himself only as "Asher" writes: Many of us have wondered how Christina Baxter manages to combine running the Church of England (as a General Synod bigwig) with running a theological college (St John's College, Nottingham). Does her uncanny resemblance to Harry Potter provide us with any clues? Did Christina originally train at Hogwarts? What is the source of her unstoppable power? Did J.K. Rowling base her stories on the life of the young Baxter?

What was the Lord's limo?

20 SEPTEMBER – ROY RIVENBURG'S Off Kilter website has been pondering one of the questions that has vexed New Testament scholars for years. While most people assume WWJD stands for "What Would Jesus Do?", Roy reveals that the initials are actually shorthand for "What would Jesus drive?"

Several theories are offered about the Lord's limo, backed up by impressive scripture quotations. Jesus might have driven a vintage Plymouth, claims one theory, because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." Other scholars hold that the Almighty's auto must be a Pontiac or a Geo, as evidenced by a passage in Psalm 83 which urges God to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

However, Ship of Fools is backing a third theory, which argues that Jesus drove a Honda, but concealed it from his followers for theological reasons. The clinching verse is from St John's Gospel where Christ tells the crowd: "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Roy Rivenburg is currently undergoing treatment in a Pun Dependency Clinic at a secret location. Please pray for him.

Wales gets pregnant in "awesome" vision

16 SEPTEMBER – IT'S ALMOST 100 YEARS since the last Welsh revival, and weird things are already starting to happen in the run-up to the centenary. A charismatic group calling itself Apostolic Evangelism Wales has been receiving visions "of an awesome nature", in which the map of Britain is pictured as a pregnant woman on her knees.

Just in case you can't quite see it, "Wales symbolised the pregnant abdomen, the South West representing the knees. In the symbolism of the vision, clearly, something is being brought to birth in Wales, facilitated by intercessory ministry in the South West of England..." Hmm. Of course.

But the vision gets even more specific: "We see the Wye Valley and the Bristol Channel as a type of a birth canal in God's divine purpose!" The vision also says excitable things about the Forest of Dean, which is on the banks of the Bristol Channel, but this is a nice family magazine, so we shan't go into it here.

Hopefully, a new era of map prophecies is dawning, when the boot shape of Italy and that cow's udder thing that hangs off the coast of northern Greece will finally be explained. A blessing upon Brother Habakkuk of Cardiff, for sharing this vision with us.

Prophet inspired by Cecil B. DeMille dies

14 SEPTEMBER – EZEQUIEL GAMONAL, the Peruvian prophet and leader of a 200,000-strong sect in the Andes, has died at the age of 82.

Gamonal's followers dressed in robes modelled on Cecil B. deMille's designs for The Ten Commandments. They even reconstructed Solomon's temple high in the Andes and gathered there to hear the teachings of their elderly and rather grumpy prophet.

His credo was a heady mixture of Seveth Day Adventism, Judaism and Inca legend. He prophesied that the world would end on several occasions, and each time this did not happen he placated the faithful by telling them he had successfully petitioned God for more time.

An obituary in the Daily Telegraph concludes: "He died during the Israelites' Pentecost celebrations, and disappointed many of his followers by failing to fulfil his prohesy that he would rise again after three days."

A tasteful blessing from Bishop Potato Head

7 SEPTEMBER – LET NO ONE CLAIM that the Diocese of Rhode Island isn't moving with the times. The island is home to the manufacturer of Mr Potato Head – a children's toy with plastic eyes, noses, mouths, ears, and other facial features which can be stuck onto a potato – and so the state has erected Mr Potato Head statues all over the place. A bit like the Easter Island statues, but in attractive plastic.

Earlier this year, the Bishop of Rhode Island, Rt. Rev. Geralyn Wolf, decided in a moment of divine inspiration that a giant Bishop Potato Head was exactly the thing that Diocesan HQ needed to enhance its public image. The result is shown here in all its glory.

As everyone must agree, this tasteful piece of sculpture, offering a blessing on all who pass by, lends dignity and gravitas to the office of the bishop and the work of the diocese. All eyes are now watching the diocese in the state which manufactures Barbie.

The odour of sanctity

2 SEPTEMBER – NEWS HAS LEAKED OUT that the Development Group at St Paul's Church in Hook, Surrey, is planning a liturgical innovation: whoopee cushions, disguised as hassocks, are to be placed randomly among the pews. There is of course excellent biblical warrant for this, from the day of Pentecost itself: "there came a sound as of a rushing, mighty wind, which filled all the house where they were sitting" (Acts 2:2). We look forward to reviewing the Whoopee Hassock (TM) in Gadgets for God shortly.

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