Stardate: November 2000
Sacred turf reveals Saviour
18 NOVEMBER – A SIGN which has appeared on the football pitch of Crystal Palace in south London has put fresh heart into the footballing faithful. John Humphries, a lifelong fan of the club, was the first to notice an image of Christ in the grass when he was visiting a streetmap website which specialises in aerial photographs."I was looking at a picture of the ground on the internet and spotted Christ's face, long hair and beard – just like the Turin Shroud," said John Humphries in a report on Ananova. "It seems there'll be a saviour for Palace this Christmas after all," he added. The image on the Turin Shroud is said to have been caused by a burst of divine energy at the resurrection of Christ. No doubt the image on the sacred turf of Selhurst Park was caused by a similarly divine burst of footballing brilliance. Story source: Tim Prevett. The Bishop's position on the BVM
23 OCTOBER – BISHOP JACK SPONG, now retired, is continuing his regular column in The Position (www.thePosition.com), an online sex magazine. His latest offering, which appears right above an article called "Bad Habits: sex lives of nuns," considers one of the great heroes of faith: Wonder Woman.The Bishop pits WW against the BVM (Blessed Virgin Mary), which is too bad for the BVM, as she is toasted in this role-model contest: "Mary has been historically portrayed by the church as sweet, passive, docile, compliant, sexless and unreal, hardly the qualities that would inspire younger females to break out of their stereotypical, passive, dependent expectations," thunders the Bishop. And WW? Bishop Spong waxes liturgical: "The daughters of Wonder Woman are Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Sandra Day O'Connor, Margaret Thatcher, Diane Feinstein, Golda Meir, Elizabeth Dole and Hillary Clinton, among many others," he intones. Please remember Bishop Spong in your prayers, for his is a tough calling. Trashing the Virgin Mary and singing the praises of a desirable young woman with big bosoms and a skimpy outfit can't be popular among the readers of a modern sex magazine. So please... bear him up in your intercessions as he continues his courageous ministry. Night vision draws the multitudes
13 OCTOBER – He appears only at night. And always at the same spot: the caravan park fence opposite Shelly Brooks' cafe in Port Germein township, South Australia. In fact, Shelly was the first person to see him, five months ago."I sort of sat there with my husband opposite me and said 'Jesus Christ', and he said, 'What's the matter now?' and I said, 'Jesus Christ'," explains Shelly. When Mr Brooks turned round, he saw Jesus Christ for himself, in a shadow cast on the fence by a streetlight and the branch of a tree. "It's complete with long hair, beard, moustache and crown of thorns," says Mr Brooks. "And very, very piercing eyes," adds Sue Perovic, a local resident. The image has not yet been reported to be weeping, but it can only be a matter of time. Church officials remain sceptical, but true believers have been flocking to Port Germein for the past two weeks. The local council, sensing a tourist boom, has done the sensible thing and cancelled the routine trimming of the tree which is casting the sacred shadow. Story source: Tim Prevett. Something missing from the funeral service?7 OCTOBER – ONE OF OUR intrepid spies, "Five Pints", reports: There were red faces among the Church of England's worship wordsmiths when 400 liturgists gathered recently in York for a conference to "try out" the Church's new prayer book, entitled Common Worship.Participants at a two-hour seminar on the new funeral service were puzzled when one of the delegates pointed out that nowhere in the service is it explicitly stated that someone is dead. As the new material has snaked its way painfully from liturgical commission to Synod to revision committee and back again in recent years, one would have hoped someone might have spotted the omission. As conference delegates pored over the funeral text in their handouts and stifled astonished sniggers, Archdeacon Trevor Lloyd, a member of the Liturgical Commission, sprang to the defence. "I do think there's a certain amount of shared knowledge among people at a funeral that the person is dead," he commented. Let's hope that Trevor's got it dead right. Punch and Biffi
Holy HTML!6 OCTOBER – PLEASE SPARE a thought this weekend for the Venerable John Guille, Archdeacon of Winchester, who will be performing a groundbreaking liturgical rite in a local church. According to an email intercepted from Winchester HQ, the archdeacon "will bless the Highclere Parish Website. Please hold them in your prayers as they take these steps in an increasingly area of our ministry and mission."Perhaps all our readers would reach out and touch their monitors now, and join with the archdeacon in praying for increased bandwidth, protection from all hackers and viruses, and an opportunity to surf the Lord with gladness. Blessings and friendly messages can be sent to the new church website by hitting this link. Top | Old Logs | Current Log | SOF Home © Ship of Fools 2000 |