Rolling bones world tour
16th OCTOBER – She is every tour promoter's dream – currently packing them in coast-to- coast on the US segment of a mammoth, six-year tour to "preach the Gospel on all five continents."
From New York City to Niagara Falls, San Francisco to Santa Fe, Thérèse of Lisieux is "taking the country by storm, capturing people's imagination because of the simplicity of her faith," explains retired Auxiliary Bishop Patrick Ahern. More than 1000 people were in La Plata, Maryland, for the first leg of her 150-date US tour.
"At midnight, people had to be turned away – and hundreds more came back to see her next day," says Carmelite Mother Mary Joseph Triska. "I had never expected such a large crowd, but it was a thrilling experience." Thérèse of Lisieux is this year's hot act. She's big. Very big. And she's dead. Very dead.
Experiencing a Christian conversion on Christmas Eve, 1886, Thérèse entered Lisieux Carmel at the age of 15. She died of tuberculosis at 24 and was canonised in 1925, being declared a doctor of the church in 1997. Her relics have criss-crossed the globe since 1995 and will continue to do so until 2001.
Her message is a simple one, explains Bishop Ahern – "one of encouragement to folks to be themselves. You're all right. God loves you as you are. Love him in return."
St Thérèse, who is also patron of all works for Russia, wrote that she would like to "preach the Gospel on all five continents until the consummation of the ages." Her wish is being granted, with the US section of the tour being particularly gruelling.
"St Thérèse won't be doing any sight-seeing or media interviews. She's pretty much boxed in, schedule-wise," explains one US commentator. "This may be deliberate. A tight schedule allows no time for any prima-donna antics – smashing up hotel rooms and throwing TV sets out of windows."
Prior to getting ready for St Thérèse's arrival at the Whitefriar's Hall in Washington, Carmelite Fr Patrick McMahon said panic started to set in over the amount of people expected. "The relics provide a means for believers to connect with the saint in some way," he explained. "As Catholics, we're people that need to touch things that are tangible. We rise to the knowledge of our creator through creation."
Relics have always been central to Catholicism but Church teaching has stipulated that relics are to be venerated, not worshipped. St Thérèse is due to arrive in Ireland in 2000 but, according to the UK's Universe newspaper, "won't be coming to Great Britain." But then, neither did Elvis.
Take part in our Snap Vote on this issue. For the St Thérèse homepage, click here.
Born again Mitchum found in south London
13th OCTOBER – A new lookalike has been vouchsafed unto us, courtesy of shipmate David Fox, who writes: Hollywood legend Robert Mitchum may have graced the silver screen for more than five decades but he couldn't make a bass guitar growl in glory like former Clapton man Dave Markee. Mitchum got the part of a lead angel in 1997, but Markee is still grooving strong, pastoring the faithful in a hundreds-strong charismatic fellowship called Folly's End here in Croydon, Surrey, offering the kind of divine theatre even Mitchum might have liked...
Over-inflated WWJD takes to the skies
8th OCTOBER – One of our Mystery Worshippers (whom we can name only as "The Traveler") was at the annual International Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a week ago.
At the 7.00am mass ascent, our sharp-eyed reporter spotted a giant "What Would Jesus Do?" balloon – even though the balloon and its pilot were not listed under that name on the official website. We don't have any statistics for this monster Gadget for God, but it must surely rival Jesus the Hot Air Balloon for its leviathan-like proportions.
The reverse of the balloon, seen here, asks that age-old biblical question: "Where did Jehoshaphat Die?"
St Isidore, grant us bandwidth
6th OCTOBER – Popularly acclaimed in the summer as patron saint of the Internet, St Isidore of Seville has yet to satisfy the saint-makers of the Vatican that he is up to the job.
Catholic surfers have been clamouring for their own patron saint for a couple of years, and hope seemed to be in sight at the beginning of 1999 when the Vatican finally commissioned a search for a suitable candidate. But so far they have failed to find someone to fit this particular halo.
Meanwhile, St Isidore is consolidating his position in the absence of any serious rival. His claim is based on his writing of the Etymologies, an encyclopedia of knowledge which was the nearest thing to the Internet back in the unplugged days of the 5th century.
The cyber-saint even seems to have his own semi-official prayer. One website offers up this petition: "St Isidore, we implore thee, protect this website against spambots and hackers and purify it from the taint of flames. Grant our ISP techies the wisdom to maintain the server. Guide our site visitors to the knowledge and spiritual sustenance that they seek here."
20th OCTOBER – There's a price on Archbishop Patrick Kelly's head. 5-4 to be exact. For the present Archbishop of Liverpool is the favourite among punters of bookmaker William Hill to become the next Archbishop of Westminster. "There has been a lot of interest," said a spokesman. "The prices have changed loads of times. Archbishop Kelly has been 7-4, 2-1 and evens. He is obviously fancied by the people who are having bets.